This weekend has been a difficult one for me emotionally. Even though I am doing really well in my recovery, I’m not perfect. I still have urges and sometimes they are STRONG. The difference between now and my former self Pre-November is that I now have a lot more skills to use instead of giving into urges.
For the most part, I haven’t been nearly as depressed as I was pre-inpatient. At times though, the depression and anxiety sneak back in and make a pretty grand entrance. This weekend that definitely happened and I was surprised by it. I have had a lot of what I call “BPD” moments (short for Borderline Personality Disorder). Having BPD means that I have an inability to regulate my emotions. Small mishaps can cause my emotional baseline to spike severely and it can take a long time to bring it back down to normal. A certain word could be used or I might misread a facial expression or misinterpret a tone and my world comes crashing down upon me. Before my diagnosis, I let the collapse happen and I didn’t fight it. I figured that I was broken, fucked up, and incapable of being/acting like a normal person. I felt so abnormal and so alone, because no one I knew had emotional responses like I did. It made having functional friendships and intimate relationships VERY difficult, and most of both didn’t end up well.
I’ve noticed myself having emotional spikes over small issues this weekend. It takes everything in me to not self-harm, scream, throw or slam something, or purge in these high intensity moments. I’m not proud of my impulses, but I’m proud of how hard I am trying to not give into them. Instead of doing all of the above last night, I gave myself a Citrus Jojoba Massage and shed some tears. Crying out urges has been tremendously helpful for me because it is a physical release that is much safer than purging, self-harming, etc.
Today I woke up again in a funk. I felt depressed, self-conscious, and inadequate. I really had to push myself out of the house to go out with my parents. We decided to take a trip to Lululemon so my mom could pick out a few items. She’s an athlete and my dad and I wanted to treat her to some nice athletic gear. She picked out a few things and I think my dad and I will go back to get them for her for her birthday next week.
We then went into the town of Wayne and it was there that I decided to finally get the locks chopped. I found a salon that used organic hair color (yay!) and the fact that I’ve pulled so much hair out of one side of my head that it was two and a half inches shorter than the other side wasn’t helping my self-esteem. I needed a hair cut to even out the length, get rid of the all the split-ends, and to add some sparkle to my spirit. Tomorrow I am going back for highlights because we didn’t have the time today, but here is a before and after (part 1) picture.
I’m definitely feeling like I lost A LOT of hair, but I’m really enjoying my new style. Right now I’m not feeling well physically, and that could be due to a lot of anxiety I’ve had this weekend. I was nervous to post these pictures because I’m not wearing makeup in any of them. I’m pledging to not touch up any photos I post on my blog, but in many pictures I do wear makeup. I guess I’m putting a little of my vulnerability out there.
Does anyone else love a new haircut and having that new swing your step?