Last night when I took Angie outside to use the bathroom, I thought I saw these flashes of light. I couldn’t tell where they were coming from and I thought it was all in my head because I couldn’t find the source (my apartment building was blocking the view from where it was coming from). I wasn’t sure if there was some event going on nearby but I realized quickly it was lightning. This was a new experience for me, because I’ve never been in PA long enough to experience a thunderstorm. Of course, I’ve experienced many in Colorado and I’ve seen some of the most fascinatingly, frighteningly beautiful displays of energy, but none here that I can ever remember.
I let Angie sleep in my bed last night for the first time and she did so well. I’ve tried a few times before but she thinks her mommy’s bed is one giant chew toy. Not so much, Angie, not so much.
But she was a great companion and I didn’t want her to feel scared in her crate with the loud crashes of thunder, and it was also comforting to me to have her by my side. I love thunder and lightning but it also makes me really sad. I honestly can’t help but think of people and animals that suffer because of the cold, rainy weather and it just makes me very grateful that I have a roof over my head, but admittedly it also makes me feel really depressed and spoiled. I’m sorry if I just ruined thunderstorms for you.
I haven’t felt 100% physically the last few days. The thing about my body is that it is pretty resilient and I’ll start to get sick and then it just kind of peters off and I just feel pretty “blah” for a few days. I rarely get fevers but I did have very bad night sweats last night. I’ve also been getting some mild bruising on my body (which I’ve had before but no discernible cause), sporadic coughing fits, and I am so tired that just taking Angie outside wears me out like something else. The boyfriend gets very concerned whenever I tell him I’m not feeling well because he knows I have a tendency to put off going to the doctor at all costs, and now it’s especially difficult since my school health center is closed (and I’m now an alumna anyway) and I don’t have a PCP here. I’m just trying to load up on vitamins, water, fruits, and veggies and hopefully that will help.
As for how I’m spending my post-graduation time, I’m trying to do more things that I wouldn’t normally do. Ok, to rephrase that, I WANT to do things I don’t normally do but I am so exhausted (and I honestly am having trouble figuring out whether it’s a physical exhaustion or some old symptoms of depression sneaking back in). I still take Angie on walks when it isn’t raining, I’ve gone to the grocery store this week, but honestly I feel like I can’t go do things because I don’t have the money to spend on it. Tomorrow though I think I might go to a movie and have a movie food challenge (popcorn and maybe an icee or however you spell it. They used to be my favorites). Sometimes it’s nice to just clear my head by doing something alone but doing it outside my apartment.
I do have a ton of thank you notes to write, an apartment to clean and pack, a job to find, an apartment to find, and overall just a new life to live. I’ve honestly been having a tough time with something that happened on Monday and I feel very disconnected. I’m experiencing a lot of feelings of shame, worthlessness, and just questioning whether I’m as bad a person as people in my past have tried to make me believe. Obviously it is something I’m working on with my amazing therapist, who is really more like this insanely awesome, kick-ass woman who has both a PhD and a Master’s, is funny, smart, compassionate, and is just a magnificent blessing in my life. I went through 13 therapists last year (between treatment centers, different program levels, and searching on my own) and even the boyfriend said, “I’ve never heard you talk about a therapist the way you talk about your current one. All the old ones blended together because they never could connect with you and it’s clear she can, and you have a good relationship with her.” She’s amazing this one. And to make her even more awesome, she happens to be recovered herself so she COMPLETELY gets everything I’m putting down. No, she’s not paying me to say these things
Alright folks, I’ll be back tomorrow with an interview with my yoga teacher. She’s an amazing woman with an incredible story and has also been a big support for me here. Check back tomorrow to hear her take on body image and yoga!!