As usual I’ve tried twice to write a post for today and decided to start anew. One of the posts will be completed and put up tomorrow and I’m very excited and honored to share with you all a really wonderful opportunity I had to interview a woman who is well-known and respected in the world of Eating Disorder treatment. She was kind enough to send me a copy of her book as well as answer my questions and her wisdom is something you don’t want to miss, so please check back for that tomorrow!
The Boyfriend came to visit this weekend (hence my lack of posts-including a Saturday Spotlight, again half-written) and I really needed to see him. His presence cheered me up a lot and we spent a lot of time talking about the next chapter of our lives together. We also made a great trip to Whole Foods and got loads of goodies, including Virgil’s Rootbeer, locally made chocolate hummus (out of this world), watermelon, and ingredients for a vegan taco night, which we had on Sunday. It was perfect and I think I turned him on to Daiya (vegan cheese) for life
Sadly, he had to fly home yesterday to go back to work today and I soon felt the mist of melancholy. Plus it’s that time of month so I’m craving a lot of chocolate and feeling more emotional than I want to be. I’m also in a state of great comparison, where I catch myself comparing to other women more than I want/need to be.
A few moments ago, I had this list compiled in my head of all the things I want right now. They include:
- A group of strong women who can help support me
- Wanting to be an artist and like my work
- Better relationships with my family members
- Wanting Angelina to evacuate her bowels (because I get overly paranoid when she doesn’t have two healthy bowel movements a day- and that’s more about my dog’s elimination habits than you ever wanted to know, I’m sure)
- The confidence to build the business of my dreams
- The wish for some select individuals in my life to realize that on a day that I wanted to celebrate my accomplishments, they were more concerned with themselves
- The incredibly frustrating and desperate desire for people to see that I can have a mental illness AND be strong, courageous, brave, smart, and be actively trying to overcome the hand I’ve been dealt
- Motivation to clean my apartment
- The ability to just love myself and my body without waiting for everyone else’s approval
When I wanted to write a new post, I looked at the blank space for the impending title and I thought, “Sometimes all I want is to want nothing at all.” What if I could just accept the way my life is at this moment? What if I could drop the baggage of my past and the worries of my future for the difficulties of the now? What would it be like to just accept life, whether I like it or not? I don’t want to want things that I don’t have. Sure, sometimes I’ll be lucky and I’ll get those things and other times I won’t. That’s life and that’s how it is for everybody. I’m human and humans want things, it’s just how we are built. Wanting something doesn’t necessarily mean you are selfish or greedy, it could be for something that benefits others. But the hamster wheel of a brain I possess keeps turning, trying to cross some finish line.
I sometimes feel like I’m on a scavenger hunt, searching through life until I find something I can cross off my checklist and once I have everything, I’ll win, I’ll be set, I’ll be happy. It’s really not a great way to live because I just have to accept some things as they are or else I’m setting myself up for misery and disappointment.
Right now, I know a few good ways to help me feel better about myself. The process is as follows:
- Make a cup of hot tea sweetened with Stevia
- Sip the tea slowly as I watch an episode (or four) of the Big Bang Theory
- Journal my heart out
- Do my own personalized meditation giving me what I need in the moment (acceptance, love, strength, courage, and hope)
- Hug my dog and go to sleep
I’m beginning to realize that I can learn a lot from things like desires and urges. They let me know what I’m needing or wanting that I currently don’t have, and as a 23 year old woman who recently graduated from college, it is my responsibility to make sure that my needs are met. It’s a very difficult thing to do when you aren’t taught as a child how to take care of yourself or that you are worthy of being taken care of (and this might seem like a slight to my parents but that’s not so much the case). I’m saying that in general, a combination of things in my childhood and adolescence, and even early adulthood led up to me being in this moment, sitting here at my messy dining table/work space saying that I know a few ways to take care of myself even though I had to learn them on my own.
I think this is not only what recovery from anything is about, but it’s also what growing up is about. We must learn to form the lives we want, both internal and external, even if we don’t already know how to do that. It’s imperative to become the teacher and the student, to embody both roles and take them on with vigor, realizing that stretching the intellect, imagination, and intuition are all vital components of this process.
I tend to have these mini-”obsessions” with different blogs or people or authors or whoever, either living vicariously through them, trying to model my life after their’s, or being upset and depressed that I’m not _____ enough as they are. I’ve forgotten that within me is a great deal of wisdom that I just haven’t practiced accessing enough. Instead of turning to the world to see what I want, I need to turn inward and ask myself what I want. Somewhere inside me I have the answers I crave.