I have to say that I am actually SO glad that it’s Monday. Weekends, for whatever reason, happen to be EXTREMELY difficult on me. I don’t know what the difference is because it’s not like my weekends are that different from my weekdays, but I have been experiencing some severe “BPD episodes” the past several weekends and unfortunately this weekend was no exception. Let me first say that I’m SO glad that the Celtics won though!!! (Didn’t see that one coming did ya? 
)
Talking about Borderline Personality Disorder is actually much more difficult than talking about eating disorders, depression, or anxiety for me. The reasons for this are complicated but I’ll do my best to explain them. First of all, there’s the stigma that comes from just reading the name of the disorder. People don’t really know what “Borderline” means because it’s kind of vague and in turn a little scary. It is called Borderline Personality Disorder because it used to be thought that the patients were on the border of psychosis and neurosis, when really it just means that the individual has trouble regulating their emotions.
The second reason is that compared to other psychiatric disorders, BPD is not as well understood by the general public, and more importantly even by those in the mental health field. So the people who are supposed to know about BPD and how to treat it often perpetuate the stigma, worsen the symptoms, and make it harder to treat. A lot of therapists and psychiatrists will cringe when they hear about a BPD patient because to them it often means that this person is untreatable, manipulative, deceitful, attention-seeking, and all sorts of other really horrible things. The problem is that these “really horrible things” are to some extent rooted in truth, but they are misinterpreted and misunderstood. This is where the problem really is because it can be almost impossible for someone with BPD to describe what it’s like when your brain turns on you and in turn, they lose credibility and believability from those around them.
I didn’t realize how severe my BPD is until recently. I’m coming up on 7 months symptom free but that also means that there is no way to regulate my emotions via self-destructive behaviors. It’s not as if my emotions were that much more regulated when I was sick, but I did get temporary relief from them when I engaged in eating disordered and self-injurious behaviors. Now my emotions are free to run wild and boy do they ever. One difference between me now and me last year is that I have this knowledge of the diagnosis, which has led me to different resources that can help me, and I no longer feel as if I’m fighting a ghost. I KNOW that I can get better. I’ve already gotten better and even though my BPD is more obvious now, at least I’m not using dangerous techniques to manage it. If I can live without my eating disorder, I’m confident that I can start to heal from BPD as well. It’s probably going to take many years and I doubt it will ever “go away” completely, but I believe in myself that I can learn to manage my emotions.
I should probably give a few life updates since it will be obvious sooner or later. Unfortunately I will not be moving to Boston as planned. I don’t wish to discuss all the details and it has nothing to do with the Boyfriend. He and I are still together and committed to making our relationship work, despite the distance. We both think it’s best that I not make too many changes after such a big one (graduating), and I will continue therapy as usual as well as starting a DBT group, which requires a minimum 6 month commitment. I am disappointed that I won’t be moving yet, but I have to put my recovery and health first, otherwise life in general and all my relationships will be in jeopardy.
Now here’s the difficult part where I talk in detail about what it’s like to have what I call a “BPD moment” or “episode.” First I think it’s important to remind everyone what the diagnostic criteria of BPD are:
Borderline Personality Disorder Diagnosis:DSM-IV-TR Diagnostic Criteria Overview of the Borderline Personality Disorder DiagnosisAn Explanation of the DSM-IV-TR Criteria
1. Abandonment Fears
2. Unstable Intense Relationships
3. Identity Disturbance
4. Impulsivity
5. Suicidal or Self-injurious Behaviors
6. Affective (Emotional) Instability
7. Emptiness
8. Anger
9. Psychotic-like Perceptual Distortions (source)
So what is it like for me to be in one of these intensely, emotional moments where it feels as if my world is crumbling beneath me? I’ll try to explain…
I can feel myself getting sucked into some kind of vortex. I try to fight it but sometimes it is too strong and all of a sudden I find my mind spinning into entropy and chaos. What is this world? Why was I fine a few minutes ago? In love and happy with myself and excited to pursue my dreams and now, out of nowhere, I’m overcome by depression, by thoughts telling me that I’m not good enough to exist, that I’m worthless and have not achieved anything.
“But I graduated!” I tell these inner demons. ”I fought my way out of an eating disorder and depression so bad I almost died and then I came back to school and lived on my own, adopted a dog, and graduated with honors! That has to be worth something!!!” The demons slyly retort, “Sadly, it isn’t. It isn’t nearly enough. You could have gone to a better school, you could have gotten better grades, you were weak and let an eating disorder take over. You didn’t win any scholarships, you didn’t get the grade you wanted on your thesis, you don’t have any friends because you’re a failure.” All of these thoughts are compounded by the remarks of a friend who recently dumbed down my education, even though she also went to my school for a period of time. Her words seep in like poison, “I was embarrassed to go there and I won’t apologize for going to a better school.”
I keep sinking into the vortex, deeper and deeper, unable to get a breath of air. My body feels uncomfortable, as if there is itch that I am unable to scratch and the burning sensation fills my entire being. I don’t hurt myself anymore when I feel like this. I sit with the pain, with the feeling of not owning my own body, of being a slave to something that lives inside me that is me but also not me. I feel like a little girl, helpless and needing someone to come and rescue her. No one comes. I’m not a little girl, I’m a woman who needs to rescue herself and the only way I know how is to sit and try to tell myself that this voice is wrong. These inner demons are a product of my disorder. I’m aware that this is a borderline moment, which is progress, but how to fully disengage from it I’m still learning. Eventually, hours later, the anxiety starts to dissipate as I see the light of the moon. Nature grounds me and reminds me that there is more out there. Something or someone is looking out for me, I can feel it. When I hang on to that feeling, I start to emerge from this descent into emotional hell, and I take small gulps of air, gently rocking myself from side to side, and hoping the feeling of peace will last.
I hope to share more about what it’s like being those borderline moments, but sometimes it is so hard to put it to words and there is also the fear that I will just seem completely crazy to those who have no experience with BPD. All I know is that it is time for some intense self-care and self-love, because that’s really all I can do now. My BPD symptoms get worse when I’m mean to myself so it’s crucial that I keep doing good things like journaling, drinking tea, planning out meals, painting, playing with Angie, being outside, and lots and lots of positive self-talk or as I prefer to call it, “healing talk.”
I am also making it a goal for this month to get back into blogging more frequently, as I feel that I have been more disconnected from my blog lately, and RR is a big part of my life and self-care. I feel more grounded and connected when I blog, even when it’s about my struggles and not just the triumphs.
Here’s to a good week and fresh start for all of us!
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
I am sorry you have had such rough weekends, but it seems like you are still getting through them and coming out stronger. that is what matters in the end. I know Boston may have been a step you wanted to take but I see growth in you both recognizing it wasn’t the right move just yet. I don’t know much about BPD but you seem so insightful into what works and doesn’t work for you. Keep up the amazing work you are doing.
Thank you, Alex. I’m not sure why the weekends are so rough for me but I think it might have something to do with feeling more lonely during those few days and not having a group of friends to go out with. I am disappointed and sad that Boston isn’t going to work out at this time, but I do feel like making too many changes might be too much for me at this point. It’s hard though just because there’s still that voice that makes me think, “Well ‘normal’ people could handle this so why can’t you?” Everything in time, I suppose. Recovery has to come first. Thank you for all the support you’ve given me! It means so much to me.
Good afternoon!
I can’t entirely relate to what you experience and I am not going to minimize you by trying but I will say that weekends tend to be my hardest times as well. It is usually when I am also going to feel the most lonely. And despite Monday not necessarily changing much, it does feel like a new start.
One of the more interesting suggestions I was ever given for anxiety was to treat the physical response manifestation rather than trying to address the emotional/thoughts. Here I was trying to change my thoughts and failing miserably while in the heat of the anxiety.
I tend to feel my anxiety in my gut – so surprisingly weight, especially heated weight will often help.
Hang in there. You are working your tail off on your own growth and I totally appreciate that.
Hi Samantha! Thanks for the tip! I hadn’t thought about treating the physical response but trying something like a hot water bottle might help me. I know that in the winter I sleep with one and often use one at night to comfort myself so I’ll have to try that. I appreciate the tip because I too feel anxiety in my stomach/belly. Thank you for all your support! Best,
Alex
Yes, it was an interesting idea to me too. But trying to change my thoughts in the heat of the moment really wasn’t working and in fact making things worse for me. Dealing with the physicality on the other hand…
By the way, I didn’t realize the complexity of BPD myself until I was supporting a family member through it.
That sucked into the vortex feeling is a hard way to have to go through life. I am glad you are aware of what it is and hopefully how to move through it.
I just cringed reading what your friend said. I don’t even know where to start. Suffice it to say, in the working world, where you went to college is more of an interesting fact…in places I’ve worked there have been ivy league and “podunk” school graduates….and very bright people can be found at both (especially when you factor in economics).
Thank you for the support, Zo! I have heard (and my dad keeps reminding me) that once you get into the workforce, where you attended college doesn’t matter as much as your performance does. It was just so hurtful to have those comments made especially when this “friend” also went to my school and said she was embarrassed to tell people where she went. I’ve kind of settled on the fact that those are her insecurities and not mine, and I’m proud of my education and lucky I had the chance to get a college degree. Thank you for helping to reassure me!
Hi Alex:
I found your blog via the goddess group…and when I read this post I HAD to respond. I deal with depression and anxiety and sometimes have what I call “dark days” where the world just seems gloomy and doomy and I’m flooded with self hate, lack of creativity, and just an encompassing negative world view.
I don’t know if we are experiencing the exact same thing, but I just wanted to hold out my hand and say thank you because now I know I’m not alone and neither are you.
So far, my only coping skills are just to go left-brained during those times and logically remind myself “Hey, you know what this is…it’s just a rain storm and it will pass.” So I muddle through, maybe do a few self-care acts, and wait for it to go away.
Hugs to you…thank you for being brave enough to share!!
Crystal
Hi Crystal! I’m so glad that you stopped by and thank you so much for visiting and leaving a comment! I’m sorry to hear about what you are dealing with but thank you for holding out your hand to me and I’m holding mine right back out there! We are not alone in this!! I think acknowledging when we are in the mud and the muck is a big step, and sometimes taking care of ourselves and waiting for it to pass is all we can do. I hope that you will come back and visit and thank you for your beautiful comment!
All I can say is omg thank you! this post helped me so much right now as I am sitting at a narcotics anonymous meeting feeling very BPD-like if that makes any sense. I’m so glad you described a BPD moment or episode because lately I’ve been going through some very intense, real, chaotic moments and what you described I can so relate to. Me, being newly diagnosed back in January I guess I was very scared, but now I’m becoming more aware of when these moments are happening and am 3 months i to Dbt and am finding some of the skills effective. This sounds strange to say this but BPD was the most suitable, validating diagnosis I’ve ever gotten hence all of the psychiatric hospitalizations I’ve experienced. It all just made sense to me and my loved ones. I love, love, love reading about your BPD experiences because it gives me experience, strength, and hope. As I sit at this NA meeting I’m hanging on to the security of my iPhone because my emotions are very intense right now. I guess I’m in the right place though because of my recent suicide attempt and drug binge. I can’t thank you enough Alex. I’m so sober and clean from drugs and my eating disorder that it makes it 10x harder I believe with BPD. I’m feeling so disconnected lately, edgy, irritable, confused, the classic “ups & downs”, and other issues. I’m sorry to vent on this comment I just needed to throw myself out here because my mind is going 4793886243x a minute. I hope my novel made a little bit of sense. Sorry lol. I have no clue what I just wrote..
Amanda!!! I am so glad that you visited my blog and I hope that you continue to find it helpful. As you know I am so sorry for your struggles and was really saddened to hear about what has happened since we last spoke but I am really so proud of you for what you have overcome and that you are still fighting. You are a survivor in so many ways. Please don’t apologize! I am glad you felt safe enough to share your feelings and I really hope you will continue to give your input! Thank you so much for your comment! <3