This week my life changes again as I interview for the DBT group today and move into my new apartment on Friday. This will mark the beginning of a new era for me: the one where I start my business and begin to live life on my own terms.
I’m the sure the vagueness of the term “business” might be slightly frustrating to my readers, so I apologize for the lack of details. I’ve decided to keep my ideas private for the time being just to protect them. I think in the long run it makes better business sense. My hope is that by the middle to end of July, I will be able to set up shop on the blog and that you will all be as excited about it as I am
Let’s rewind quickly to talk about this weekend. Despite working 10 hour days, having a 2 hour commute, and getting about 5 hours a sleep a night, the Boyfriend (who is a Latin teacher) decided to drive down to PA Saturday morning (a 7 hour drive) to spend Saturday and part of Sunday with me. We spent time together on Saturday talking a lot because we both had a difficult week, and then had dinner at the Olive Garden before watching the Celtics not win against the Miami Heat, which was really disappointing for both of us (more so for him, but I was legitimately upset as well). Sunday we went out to breakfast at Cracker Barrel, which is full of nostalgia for me because I used to go to the Cracker Barrel’s in Georgia all the time with my grandma and late grandpa. The service at this location is pretty shaky and unreliable. Sometimes I get decent service but many times I don’t.
However, yesterday we had a lovely, bubbly, attentive but not overbearing waitress who was really delightful and as the Boyfriend and I were finishing up our coffee, I said, “She’s the best waitress I’ve had here in a long time. I think I should tell her.” He agreed and when she came back I told her what a great job she did and that I appreciated how hard she worked. A huge smile came across her face as she told me she was new there and asked if she got her manager if I would tell him what I told her. Of course I said yes, and I told the manager that she did a wonderful job and was the best waitress I’d had there in a long time. He thanked me and said he was glad to hear it as she was new to the team.
The Boyfriend looked at me and said, “You did a really great thing, Alex. She looked so happy and I saw the manager give her a pat on the back and tell her what a great job she did. You probably made her day.” We then got into a conversation about how often times, we (humanity in general) are quick to point out someone’s flaws but when it comes to the good things, even the little things, we let them go unnoticed. Giving a genuine compliment feels almost as good, if not better, then receiving one. The waitress thanked me again as we left and the Boyfriend and I decided that it was something we should do more often. Why shouldn’t we point out when someone does a good job at something? Why shouldn’t we take one minute to give someone a compliment that we actually mean? It’s a simple thing but you never know what kind of impact it can make.
Now though, the Boyfriend is back in MA and I have a lot to do this week. Today I have my DBT appointment and then I absolutely must find a mattress so I will have something to sleep on when I move out of here on Friday morning. I also need to pack, clean, and organize, which is a daunting task for me because I’m not very efficient at it. I did get a good start over the weekend though so I’m hoping I can just blaze through it as best I can.
The biggest challenge that I’m currently facing is the overwhelming and wholehearted desire to just feel completely comfortable and at ease with myself. Sometimes I think I try too hard to be who I want to be instead of just letting my personality and writing flow. Why try so hard to be someone instead of allowing that woman to just be and exist as she is?
I’ve decided to make a goal of trying to keep my life simpler. There is beauty in simplicity, whether I explore it through my blog/writing, business, clothing style, food choices, etc. I think that my BPD symptoms are aggravated by my tendency to complicate many aspects of my life.
In my new apartment, I don’t think I’m going to get cable because I want to spend less time in front of the TV watching people live and more time out there in the world living life myself. I want to be more organized and start creating schedules and achievable goals for each day. Most of all, I want to allow myself the freedom to not be afraid to change in order to determine what kind of lifestyle suits me the best.
I worry that I have so many opposing parts of my personality that they can’t be melted into one, holistic being without upsetting or turning off someone in my life, but maybe that’s the point. I have the right to grow and change and to become someone I’m comfortable with and that might not jive with others. They may not understand and may not accept the new me and I have to be at peace with that. Trying to please everyone never left me satisfied, so I don’t want to do that anymore.
My wish is to live free of the shackles of judgement, to be brave and courageous in order to allow myself the opportunity to experiment with life, and most of all, to be kind and gentle with my heart and mind as I begin to take on this world.
Happy Monday to you all.