Crash. Burn. Float. Breathe.

Sometimes I’m scared to share parts of my heart with the world, even when I’m certain that there are others who can relate.  There are others who can relate to the feeling of having no emotional skin and spending day after day emotionally bleeding because of things that were meant to hurt and words/actions without malicious intent yet have the same effect.

I had a post 90% done yesterday that I wanted to put up last night, but that’s when things started changing.  You see, even in recovery, I have my fall and trip days.  Sometimes I have crash and burn days, and it’s hard to distinguish what is my disorder’s pain and what is real-world-everyone-gets-this-pain.  It’s all pain to me and those once non-existent moments of reprieve are starting to come around.  They are rare but it feels like I can finally float to the surface and take a gasp of air after being forced under.

I can breathe.

When I got Angie, they said some of her naughty-behavior would get worse before it got better.  Back in treatment centers I heard the same thing about eating disorder and self-harm urges.  Both were true.  I wonder if that’s how it is when you are trying to heal from Borderline Personality Disorder.

Borderline Personality Disorder.

Chaotic, intense relationships.

Dissociation.

Frantic efforts to avoid real or perceived abandonment.

Chronic feelings of emptiness.

Identity problems.

These are only some of the things I struggle with.  These are things I’ve struggled with for years and the diagnosis of it was a double edged sword.  Those who know me get both a reason for my behavior and thought processes, but they also gain an excuse to pin their own issues to me and my illness, because I’m the one who is diagnosed “crazy.”  It doesn’t always happen so I’m not making an overgeneralization or exaggeration, but to be fair, it does happen.

I’m an emotional sponge and I will soak up what’s left when others won’t clean up after themselves. What’s worse is when others won’t admit or can’t see what they don’t pick up that is their own and not mine.  ”You’re sick,” they say. And maybe I am, but that doesn’t mean I’m always wrong and it doesn’t mean that I lack the ability to be rational, logical, and wise.

Fact: Relationships are hard for me and they hard for the people who are in them with me.

I don’t like the things I’m going to tell you about myself, but they are a part of my illness and I am also taking steps to fix them.  Through therapy and DBT I learn skills and when I’m not there I put them into practice in the real world.

Have you ever tried to retrain your brain? Have you ever tried to give up habits that you’ve been doing for a year or longer? You know this feeling.  You know what it’s like.  It’s damn hard and frustrating. When you don’t see results right away or it takes longer than you want it to, it is difficult and challenging.

I crashed and burned last night. My emotional distress was so high and despite my best attempts to use skills and be effective, my sensitive little soul got scared and tired and felt an impending implosion.  To cope, I self-harmed and dissociated. I left myself at a distance and became an animal with its paw caught in a trap.  Scared, angry, lashing out and making it worse.

An important person and I parted ways today. I don’t know if it’s temporary or if it is permanent, and part of me is hesitant to write about all of this. To share things I’m not proud of is difficult, but I believe it’s necessary.  I know that some of you might be feeling things like I am, and I want others to know they aren’t alone.

I want you to know you aren’t alone.

I want you to know that people with BPD are not bad people, we just struggle in different ways.

I want the world to know that those of us with BPD are NOT BAD. We hurt ourselves and we may hurt others, but we are human and we have struggles.

I take responsibility for the damage I cause.

I know that I still have a lot to work on.

I have no choice but to accept my reality; that I suffer with a mental illness. My reality is that I’ve also graduated from college and am starting a business. I may not be on a “normal” path but I’m not a “normal” person.  Who is normal anyway? What is normal? Normal is what you think it is.  There is no objectivity when it comes to normal.

I choose today to not self-harm in any way.  I deeply regret my actions and the fact that I hurt myself, after months of not harming myself.  This time though, I choose to react to my regrets with compassion and understanding.  I will remember this regret to help remind me that this is not an effective coping strategy.

It hurts to not be perfect.  It is painful and embarrassing to admit my slips, but this is me being raw.  This is me being honest. I want my dear readers that I am so grateful for to see someone with imperfections WHO ALSO IS TRYING TO GET BETTER AND HAS MADE PROGRESS.

Progress not perfection.

PROGRESS, NOT PERFECTION.

I have specific examples of progress I’ve made that my therapist and DBT group are aware of and it is so wonderful to receive feedback and kudos for that.  I also need to learn to be proud of myself, and being proud of myself doesn’t mean I can’t also be humble.  Being proud of the changes I’m making doesn’t have to be arrogant.

I try so hard to stay up, but sometimes I fall down.

I choose to get up though.

I choose not to use my eating disorder and soon I will be 9 months symptom free. I will celebrate that day with some gifts to myself. And I will still celebrate myself today. I will remind myself that I am not a bad person.

I am still worthy of love and life even if I’m not perfect, even if I struggle.

And so are you.

So are you!!! 

Tagged as: borderline personality disorder, chaotic relationships, loving yourself, Self-Care, self-harm