Hello everyone. It feels weird to be writing on the blog again after such a long and unintended hiatus. The last week and a half, to put it briefly, have been some of the worst of my life. For my own health and safety, I knew I had to make some big changes.
Today I’m moving back to Colorado.
Being without the bulk of my support system here in Pennsylvania is difficult under the best circumstances and right now I am going through a really difficult phase and it is not wise or necessary for me to continue to stay in a part of the country where I don’t have people who can help me get out of this dark hole that I’m in.
It was incredibly difficult to tell my therapist (although she and I will continue some work together) as well as my DBT group, but I feel that this is the best decision to ensure my continued success in recovery.
There are parts of me that are sad and disappointed to be leaving like this, and other parts that know that being so isolated out here without anything/anyone to help anchor me and be there I when I need a hand is only going to make things worse for me. It was difficult for me to ask for help because I’m the stubborn type who wants to fix everything herself (and at the same time just wishes someone would save her), but a little bit of surrender is important here and recognizing that I need more than what my current situation can offer was the first step.
So here I am, getting all packed up with my dog and my Dad and we are about to drive across the country back to my old stomping grounds in my new car (I was so depressed and miserable the past few weeks that I couldn’t even post about the good things that did happen after I changed my hair).
I’m trying to remain optimistic and excited, because my family and friends have told me how excited they are to have me home. I’m looking forward to visiting the spa I once worked for, going to the pumpkin festival this fall, traipsing (or tripping) through haunted corn mazes with one of my best friends, and spending time with my sister when she’s not pulling her hair out about writing her thesis 
I haven’t been home in 6 months and I know there will be challenges, but I have no other choice but to accept the situation as it is and that my most important relationship is now thoroughly ruined and it seems there is nothing I can do to repair it.
In short, I’m heartbroken, feeling a little hopeless, and words like “failure” keep swimming around my head. I have to remind myself that Philly was only temporary and my objective was to graduate and get my diploma. I did both. I also made it to 9 months in recovery, adopted a dog, lived in three different apartments in an 8 month period, start and fall in love with yoga, conquer my fear of driving, start DBT, continue twice (or recently thrice) weekly therapy sessions, and I’ve done it all on my own. I have to say that I don’t think that reads “failure” to me…only a part of me that I’m trying to fight.
I’ll be back soon with pictures from the trip back home. Hopefully Angie will be ok in the car for long periods of time, though I’m not worried. She’ll have the backseat to herself with her bed(s), toys, and blankets.
Here’s to a new start!
Alex
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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
Nope, not failure at all! You have done a ton with some extra challenges that often the larger world either doesn’t get or is uncomfortable with.
Wishing you the best in this latest transition. Sometimes familiarity and comfort can help one feel more stable.
Thank you so much Samantha! The familiarity and comfort of home was a little bit of a shock when I arrived yesterday afternoon and realized it is all real now, but I still believe this move was in my best long-term interest.
Oh lovely you are taking care of yourself and asking for help, this stage of action is totally recovery focused. Don’t beat yourself up, I see amazing progress. Good luck with the move, you will be in my thoughts.
Thank you for your kind words, Alex! I really appreciate them. Also, thank you for the validation about asking for help. It is hard to do but in this case, definitely necessary. Hope you are well!
I was worried about you since there was some time between posts. I think the decision is wise. I’ve often thought about doing something similar, as I live alone, and my family lives in another state. Best wishes.
Hi Eje! Thank you for your comment and for your concern! I’m sorry to hear that you are away from your family is well, it is certainly difficult to be by yourself. I wish you the best as well!!
Alex, I am glad that you are taking this step and asking for help…knowing to ask for help and getting it this is progress, too
It is incredibly hard to be on your own, as you said, without a support system when facing life in general…but when you start to feel isolated, it’s so much worse. It’s so good that you’re going to be with people who care about you.
Yes, you deserve so much credit for doing well and getting your degree…failure is not a word I would use to describe you. I hope you and Angie will have happy travels (I know you’ll continue to bring each other a lot of joy!)
Thank you Zo for all your kind and encouraging words, it really means a lot to me and it is really comforting to hear. Even though it feels bittersweet to come back to Colorado, I know that it is the right decision. Angie has been a darling throughout all of this and travelled very well. She is currently VERY happy to have brother/sister dogs to play with!
Good for you taking care of yourself, you deserve happiness and healthiness