Hello everyone. It feels weird to be writing on the blog again after such a long and unintended hiatus. The last week and a half, to put it briefly, have been some of the worst of my life. For my own health and safety, I knew I had to make some big changes.
Today I’m moving back to Colorado.
Being without the bulk of my support system here in Pennsylvania is difficult under the best circumstances and right now I am going through a really difficult phase and it is not wise or necessary for me to continue to stay in a part of the country where I don’t have people who can help me get out of this dark hole that I’m in.
It was incredibly difficult to tell my therapist (although she and I will continue some work together) as well as my DBT group, but I feel that this is the best decision to ensure my continued success in recovery.
There are parts of me that are sad and disappointed to be leaving like this, and other parts that know that being so isolated out here without anything/anyone to help anchor me and be there I when I need a hand is only going to make things worse for me. It was difficult for me to ask for help because I’m the stubborn type who wants to fix everything herself (and at the same time just wishes someone would save her), but a little bit of surrender is important here and recognizing that I need more than what my current situation can offer was the first step.
So here I am, getting all packed up with my dog and my Dad and we are about to drive across the country back to my old stomping grounds in my new car (I was so depressed and miserable the past few weeks that I couldn’t even post about the good things that did happen after I changed my hair).
I’m trying to remain optimistic and excited, because my family and friends have told me how excited they are to have me home. I’m looking forward to visiting the spa I once worked for, going to the pumpkin festival this fall, traipsing (or tripping) through haunted corn mazes with one of my best friends, and spending time with my sister when she’s not pulling her hair out about writing her thesis I haven’t been home in 6 months and I know there will be challenges, but I have no other choice but to accept the situation as it is and that my most important relationship is now thoroughly ruined and it seems there is nothing I can do to repair it.
In short, I’m heartbroken, feeling a little hopeless, and words like “failure” keep swimming around my head. I have to remind myself that Philly was only temporary and my objective was to graduate and get my diploma. I did both. I also made it to 9 months in recovery, adopted a dog, lived in three different apartments in an 8 month period, start and fall in love with yoga, conquer my fear of driving, start DBT, continue twice (or recently thrice) weekly therapy sessions, and I’ve done it all on my own. I have to say that I don’t think that reads “failure” to me…only a part of me that I’m trying to fight.
I’ll be back soon with pictures from the trip back home. Hopefully Angie will be ok in the car for long periods of time, though I’m not worried. She’ll have the backseat to herself with her bed(s), toys, and blankets.
Here’s to a new start!